Blog

I recently attended and presented at ‘Untangling Our Roots’. This was the first conference (held in Louisville, Kentucky, USA) to combine the adoption, assisted re-production and MPE communities for 3 days of learning and sharing.

What meant by ‘MPE’?
Misattributed Parentage Experience.
Those who have an MPE may also be affected by adoption, donor conception or surrogacy (and not have discovered this until later in life). Alternatively, they may have had another form of ‘DNA surprise’ such as finding out through direct to consumer DNA testing (such as ancestry.com) that a mother or father whom they believed to be their biological parent, is not. This individual may have been conceived through an extramarital affair, rape, assault or other encounter that results in hidden paternity.

Each of these communities (adoption, donor conception, surrogacy and MPE) share commonalities in their experiences, as well as differences.

Commonalities include struggles with identity, growing up without genetic mirroring, not knowing details pertaining to one’s own ancestry, family origins and medical information, and a lack of understanding from others and broader society. These experiences can also have Psychological impacts such as feelings of rejection and internalised shame and anger that is either projected inwards at self (depression) or outwards at others leading to difficulties in relationships including romantic, platonic, family, workplace and community.

Those who have had these experiences often report feeling an implicit or explicit expectation from others that they must be ‘grateful’ for being carried, birthed and raised by a non-biological parent, which would not necessarily be expected of somebody who was raised in a traditional family. In addition to the expectation of gratitude, there is an unspoken ‘rule’ that is felt by many, that any grief, sadness or anger that pertains to the experience, should not be expressed as it may upset others. The reason that this is sometimes referred to as ‘cultural gaslighting’ is because in fact, the truth of the matter is that in the case of adoption and surrogacy the conception that occurred through assisted reproduction and/or the legal act of creating a birth certificate that does not contain two biological parents on it, is in fact a form of commodification that does not centre the child’s best interests or needs. It instead has occurred due to a parent’s need for a child. Therefore, feelings of sadness or anger are not only ‘ok’ but to be expected at some stage throughout life, particularly when one’s origins are not revealed truthfully, but rather ‘discovered’ later in life. This highlights the importance of counselling and support for all parties including those affected directly and parents with young children who wish to disclose their children’s origins in a sensitive, age-appropriate and empowering manner to mitigate psychological difficulties later in life.

I recently attended a training on ‘socio political grief’ and was reminded how highly relevant this is to those who have experienced adoption, donor conception or surrogacy.

Socio Political grief is grief that originates from our social and political structures.

In the past (and indeed to this day, in many places in the world) social, political and religious norms upheld adoption as a ‘solution’ to the ‘problem’ of an unwed pregnant woman, an infant, and a married couple who often could not conceive their ‘own’ child. Two parent families were valued and the notion of a single mother raising her baby was condemned.

In the case of donor conception and surrogacy, there is a social and political norm around those who can afford it being considered to have the ‘right’ to procure or produce a child through these practices.

We must not forget that in addition to these elements, our indigenous people have experienced decades upon decades of colonisation, genocide and their impacts.

Society and our religious and political structures have silenced and ignored things that those of us trained in Psychology and attachment theory understand, such as the importance of the sacred bond between mother and baby, the importance of identity and connection between those who are biologically related and the damage caused when these bonds are severed and one’s own personal history concealed.

During the Covid 19 pandemic, the mainstream population experienced government mandates, isolation and the inability to connect with family face to face, particularly when spread across borders. This too has been named as a form of socio political grief. In this way, perhaps this experience can be considered in building some understanding of what is faced by those affected by adoption and donor conception in a far more extreme way throughout the course of their lives.

The root word for ‘bereaved’ in latin is to ‘snatch’, ‘grab’ or ‘carry off’. In this way, I think that all of us affected by adoption and donor conception can identify in some way with being ‘bereaved’ and in need of some form of grief and loss support at some point throughout life or at the very least, an acknowledgement of this experience.

We also rely on leadership from our governments and other institutions to continue to address the harms done and to work towards solutions through true consultation and collaboration.