Adoption vs Assisted Reproduction vs MPE

I recently attended and presented at ‘Untangling Our Roots’. This was the first conference (held in Louisville, Kentucky, USA) to combine the adoption, assisted re-production and MPE communities for 3 days of learning and sharing.

What meant by ‘MPE’?
Misattributed Parentage Experience.
Those who have an MPE may also be affected by adoption, donor conception or surrogacy (and not have discovered this until later in life). Alternatively, they may have had another form of ‘DNA surprise’ such as finding out through direct to consumer DNA testing (such as ancestry.com) that a mother or father whom they believed to be their biological parent, is not. This individual may have been conceived through an extramarital affair, rape, assault or other encounter that results in hidden paternity.

Each of these communities (adoption, donor conception, surrogacy and MPE) share commonalities in their experiences, as well as differences.

Commonalities include struggles with identity, growing up without genetic mirroring, not knowing details pertaining to one’s own ancestry, family origins and medical information, and a lack of understanding from others and broader society. These experiences can also have Psychological impacts such as feelings of rejection and internalised shame and anger that is either projected inwards at self (depression) or outwards at others leading to difficulties in relationships including romantic, platonic, family, workplace and community.

Those who have had these experiences often report feeling an implicit or explicit expectation from others that they must be ‘grateful’ for being carried, birthed and raised by a non-biological parent, which would not necessarily be expected of somebody who was raised in a traditional family. In addition to the expectation of gratitude, there is an unspoken ‘rule’ that is felt by many, that any grief, sadness or anger that pertains to the experience, should not be expressed as it may upset others. The reason that this is sometimes referred to as ‘cultural gaslighting’ is because in fact, the truth of the matter is that in the case of adoption and surrogacy the conception that occurred through assisted reproduction and/or the legal act of creating a birth certificate that does not contain two biological parents on it, is in fact a form of commodification that does not centre the child’s best interests or needs. It instead has occurred due to a parent’s need for a child. Therefore, feelings of sadness or anger are not only ‘ok’ but to be expected at some stage throughout life, particularly when one’s origins are not revealed truthfully, but rather ‘discovered’ later in life. This highlights the importance of counselling and support for all parties including those affected directly and parents with young children who wish to disclose their children’s origins in a sensitive, age-appropriate and empowering manner to mitigate psychological difficulties later in life.